My favorite meal is a hotdog
When I eat out I mean. Of course all meals prepared by my lovely wife are my true favorites.
I’ve been accused of loving Portland, and I do love living here.
I appreciate all the city has to offer, but I’m too pretentious to admit directly that I love Portland. Instead I put a bird on my book.
Here I cringe when I catch a glimpse of the double digit prices for a breakfast burrito and then add on the tip.
The New Season‘s deli hotdog costs $4.99 now, $5.99 with bacon. I wonder if it’s my fault.
I’ve almost exclusively ordered it whenever eating there. It’s a good meal that tastes better when I see that the vegetarian sandwich costs more.
I always mark down enough of the extras to basically have a vegetarian with a hotdog as a bonus.
My order has evolved into perfection.
First check Rye and confirm with a line connecting to Hot Dog on a Bun. I go overboard and doubly confirm in Special Requests that I really want it on sandwich bread.
If only I could carry around a loaf of my wife’s bread to use instead. Awards would be won.
Chopped Olive Tapenade. Only now because of this post am I looking up what “tapenade” is… and it is uber French for “chopped olive”. I admit to being slightly disappointed. Regardless, the long name adds emotional value to the meal. I also love olives in everything, even orange juice. Although, I may have only liked that drink because it made my friend puke. Schadenfreude is a flavor.
Basil Pesto Mayonnaise. Reading it I can’t help but picture liquid pink, but again it has a long name and feels very New Seasonie in a pleasant artery clogging way. Also the other options are Lowfat Vegan and Chipotle. Vegan would be too ironic for a hotdog, and chipotle sounds too fast food. However now that I’ve looked it up and learned that it’s smoked-dried jalapeno, I will give it a try.
Horseradish. This took some courage. When I finally requested the sinus frying spice I was rewarded with finding it to be the keystone ingredient for the perfect hotdog. Pain is a key to pleasure. It pulls the mind one way and then lets go to fling sense to the opposite. I’d like to switch out with wasabi leaves to fancy it up. It’s the only confident improvement I can think of.
Goat Cheese. The whole of my life I have loved goat cheese. It calls to me on a primal level. My ancestors were goat herders I know it. I can taste the historic roots in my mouth.
Leaf Lettuce. This is mostly decorative, but it does serve as a separator of sorts, almost like a thin third slice of bread. This helps layer the flavors and allows different experiences depending on the angle of consumption.
Tomato. Visually it goes well with the lettuce and really drives home psychologically that this is a sandwich. It being New Seasons I can also expect that the tomato won’t be terrible. Over the years I’ve developed a loyalty towards the store, one piece of produce at a time.
Grilled Onion. Grilled implies more calories, which is important given the state of mind I’m in after a full day’s work. Plus the red onion would be a distracting sharpness in among the horseradish, peppers, and hot sauce.
Avocado. Nature’s green glue, an awesome addition to any sandwich.
Mama Lil’s Spicy Peppers. This is a real treasure. I think it’s the most expensive option by weight and you really feel like you’re eating money.
Pickle on the side. I always cleanse my mouth with half the pickle before my first hotdog sandwich bite. The second half disappears in a haze of gluttony.
Optional, Add Bacon. I’m a little torn by this. It’s not very cost effective compared to the rest of the sandwich, but bacon is such a carnivore’s delight. If I have enough willpower I skip it. There is plenty of fatty awesome in the giant hotdog itself.
Finally, add the high quality ketchup and hot sauce for completion. The finished masterpiece can fall apart a bit when actually stuffing it into your mouth, so I advise hunching over close to the plate and have a fork ready to scoop up the glops of fancy condiments that may slip out.
Don’t worry about the impromptu face painting from spillage. I find that smiling while eating puts other deli goers at ease.
Decide on a side?
When I’m feeling up for it I usually side with chocolate milk and vinegar chips or jalapeno cheese puffs.
Just look at the featured picture of this post and tell my you don’t want one right now!
Tipper? Tipper what? Oh “tip her”… fine.
I’m not a complete scrooge. I’m mostly just riding a fine financial line and feeling tired from work. I often want to eat out with good food and awesome waitstaff, but I just can’t justify it. If I had the money, I would spend it. No need for a Scrooge McDuck tower.
This is a city of service, but mostly to others.
I’m just saying….
I like my New Season hotdogs, like an amusement park in my mouth. Maybe next time I will look for a counter tip jar.